Evan Esar

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

That is what we are put in the world for, to get experience and to help others get it. It is the one thing no one can take away from us.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

A man is as old as his arteries.

When you make changes in your life, make sure you’re moving toward the things you want.

You get what you ask for in this life. If you ask for nothing, you get nothing.

History is more or less bunk.

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way!

I’m going to go down and take care of the bill. I’m not going to embarrass you, just let me do it. I had such a great time, I just want it to be my treat. [On returning after several minutes red faced] They won’t take my check, I don’t know what we’re going to do. [Robertson said ‘David, what we’ve spent here, we’re going to have to do a lot of dishes.’] I’m going to call Prince Rupert [Loewenstein] and ask him to call the hotel and tell them I’m good for it. Or maybe he can pay the bill and then I’ll pay him back or something. [Prince Rupert vouched for his credit and the hotel agreed to accept Geffen’s check.]

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.

As parents we’re not nearly as computer literate as our children are.

Don’t worry about things you cannot alter.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.

Don’t make me put your head in my blender!

I have lived too long to cherish many illusions about the essential high-mindedness of men when brought into stark confrontation with the issue of control over their security, and their property interests.