David Geffen

[To a psychedelic rock sextet call Strawberry Alarm Clock] We’re going to get you six Ed Sullivan shows and we’re going to get you on Janis Joplin’s next tour. [After the meeting on being told by Schiffman ‘David, what are you doing? Six Ed Sullivan shows? Are you kidding? Janis Joplin wouldn’t piss on these people! We are not going to give them any Janis Joplin dates’] If they have another hit, we’ll get them one Ed Sullivan show, and we’ll get them a couple of dates on somebody else’s tour. I don’t care. And if they don’t have another hit, well, f*ck ’em.

There were no role models, there were no other people I knew who were dealing with the same issues that I was dealing with. I had no idea if this was a stage I was going through or not. But I go to the draft board in Brooklyn and I fill out the form and there was a question that said ‘Do you have homosexual tendencies?’ and I check yes. But where-ever I was on line I’d see people I went to high school with and I was afraid of anyone knowing this about me so I kept on falling back into line and falling back into line. If you said you had homosexual tendencies they sent you to a psychiatrist. He said ‘I see here you’ve checked the box?’ And I said ‘yup’. He said ‘So do you think you’d have a problem serving in the armed forces?’ I said well you know ‘So many men.’ And I was out of the service.

I think everybody thought I was crazy that I quit my job and started a management company in which I was managing one client – Laura Nyro.

This thing is really silly. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, and I’m too powerful for you to hurt. I forgive you for all the times you’ve f*cked me in the past and for all the times you’re going to f*ck me in the future.

[On being told that he should be an agent with him having no acting ‘gifts’. And saying that you need to know absolutely nothing to be an agent.] I thought that’s the job for me.

Anybody who thinks money will make you happy, hasn’t got money.

Twelve was a real turning point for me as I moved to a mixed school, and then I became cool and discovered hair gel.

[While Amy Poehler and I were doing press for Sisters,] every single interviewer asked, ‘Isn’t this an amazing time for women in comedy?’ People really wanted us to be openly grateful-‘Thank you so much!’-and we were like, ‘No, it’s a terrible time. If you were to really look at it, the boys are still getting more money for a lot of garbage, while the ladies are hustling and doing amazing work for less.’

My role in society, or any artist’s or poet’s role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all.

Touring is tough. You’re almost in a haze because you don’t really know where you are half the time: You’re in a hotel room one moment, and the next thing you know, you’re onstage performing for 60,000 people, then you’re back on an airplane. It’s very hectic and I couldn’t do it without my family.

I never get to go to movies, because I’m a mom.

I’d like to win an Oscar.

I don’t really like to go out very much. I’m not scandalous. I’m not, like, in this to be famous. I also find it so embarrassing when you read about people and it’s like they were so trashed at Skybar and stumbling around. I don’t want to be that person. That’s just so embarrassing to have that written about you.

It feels so great to be back on the scene.

The past is a stepping stone, not a millstone.

More idiots should just shut their mouths.

The first album I ever got was “Like a Virgin”. It was during the Iran Contra conflict-I thought she was saying, “Like a Persian”.

The stuff I find attractive in women I always regret finding attractive. I always like a kind of madness in a woman… I like it when they hate me right from the beginning.

Yeezus was extremely purposeful. And what came from Yeezus: Paparazzi are nicer to me. The entire fashion industry is nicer to me.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

My worst habit is speaking to much.