Ricky Gervais

[on turning down a role in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’] I didn’t really fancy sitting in a hotel room in Los Angeles for nine weeks for two minutes on screen, to be honest. I don’t really want to be an actor. I want to write and direct. I’ve been offered about ten British films. Obviously all shit. I was offered one with Johnny Depp, but again, it was a small character part, and I thought, ‘What’s the point?’ No one’s ever watched someone in seven films for one minute and said, ‘Yeah, give him his own film’…it doesn’t happen.”

I have plenty of pet hates. I can’t stand people scraping their plate or slurping their soup. I can’t stand waiting in lines. I hate people talking inanely about the Lord Of The Rings. I hate people whistling. But I’m not like this because I’m famous. I’ve always been a grumpy bastard.

I remember when we were talking to one of the executives at the BBC. And he said, ‘Now hold on, this man (David Brent) is so incompetent why wouldn’t he be fired?’ and I said ‘Go and take a look around this building. Just go and knock on a few doors.’

I did Jonathon Ross last year and he said ‘do people do impressions of David Brent?’ and I went ‘well, they can’t really because he’s such a normal bloke’. Then, after the show, me and Ross are walking through the car park and this bloke jumps out and goes ‘der-ner-ner-ner-ner’, does the David Brent dance and runs away. Jonathon Ross was in hysterics: ‘all that shit you came out with and then some bloke jumps out and runs away’. But on the whole it doesn’t really happen.

[about the showbiz lifestyle] It’s all too much trouble for me. It’s probably because I’m fat and lazy and old.

[On turning down the chance to appear in Ocean’s Twelve] Why say a couple of lines opposite Brad Pitt when I could be playing lead back home?

So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

I’ve had many nicknames over the years: V, Nessa, Nessy Poo, Nessy Bear and Van. Only my parents call me Van, though, and I hate it. I get embarrassed.

Someone once said that to make a regular person laugh, you need to dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs. To make a comedy writer laugh, you have to push a real old lady down the stairs. I don’t know who that’s attributed to. I think it’s Aristophanes. Or Catherine the Great.

The thing is, we’re not extravagant people. It’s just unbelievable the amounts of money we make. But we don’t spend it. It’s too scary to spend it.

Touring is tough. You’re almost in a haze because you don’t really know where you are half the time: You’re in a hotel room one moment, and the next thing you know, you’re onstage performing for 60,000 people, then you’re back on an airplane. It’s very hectic and I couldn’t do it without my family.

I think we’re a band with a lot of history now so it’s nice to come up with something that doesn’t have any history at all.

As Ralph’s character begins to discover the political thriller aspect of the film, he falls deeper in love with his wife, so the two run together. That’s the beauty of this film. It has fast pace and excitement, but it also has heart and soul.

I don’t care how small the game. I want to win.

I think movies are great and I have a great time making them but they’re not what keeps you warm at night, or what’s ultimately the most important thing in anyone’s life journey.

[On asserting herself] They want people they can push around. I was the girl who was always asking, “Why? Yeah, I know you want me to do that – but why?” I always thought people wanted to hear my opinions. (Grins) But I gave them anyway. It’s just blind self-confidence. I get like a little terrier about things. My mother says I should have been an attorney.

I used to always feel awkward around a lot of rappers. Other people came from hustling and all that. Sometimes it was harder to relate. People would look down on me for the way I dressed, because my raps weren’t really that good – it was like, ‘Just shut up and do beats.’

I try to keep my ego at the right size. No matter what, I just do my best to live in an attitude of gratitude.

Parisian men make love all day and have no time to work; American men work all day and have no time for love.

I don’t do too well there. If you were brought up in London, where you can walk around everywhere and there are theaters, you can’t really do LA. I couldn’t make a life there. You’re in a car all the time, and there are no seasons.

We need to stop talking about whether women are funny. And we need to acknowledge that black people are funnier than white people. Let’s discuss that.