Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I’ve always said, ‘If you need Viagra, you’re probably with the wrong girl.

You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

A friend is a second self.

Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women.

There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love. There’s a big difference between infatuation and falling in love.

He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.

Each man takes care that his neighbor shall not cheat him. But a day comes when he begins to care that he does not cheat his neighbor. Then all goes well — he has changed his market-cart into a chariot of the sun.

Cherish your human connections – your relationships with friends and family.

I like a woman who takes care of herself – it says something about the way she’ll care for me.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

It’s like in golf… A lot of people – I don’t want this to sound trivial – but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive… it’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.

I don’t think members of the royal family sign prenuptial agreements

A cardinal principle of Total Quality escapes too many managers: you cannot continuously improve interdependent systems and processes until you progressively perfect interdependent, interpersonal relationships.

I like the idea of being alone. I like the idea of often being alone in all aspects of my life. I like to feel lonely. I like to need things.