An index is a great leveller.
All my life affection has been showered upon me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
The minority is sometimes right; the majority always wrong.
Girls, like men, want to be petted, pitied, and made much of, when they are diffident, in low spirits, or in unrequited love. These are services which the weak cannot render to the strong and which the strong will not render to the weak, except when there is also a difference of sex.
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.
Nothing makes a man so selfish as work.
My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.
As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.
If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t walk run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means keep moving.
To have a great man for a friend seems pleasant to those who have never tried it; those who have, fear it.
If I cannot brag of knowing something, then I brag of not knowing it; at any rate, brag.
A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.
Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.
Understanding is a two-way street.
The doctor learns that if he gets ahead of the superstitions of his patients he is a ruined man; and the result is that he instinctively takes care not to get ahead of them.
There is nothing so unthinkable as thought, unless it be the entire absence of thought.
A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.
Want is a growing giant whom the coat of Have was never large enough to cover.
No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.
The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
