John Oliver

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

It’s the 2016 election, and it’s 2015 right now. So I don’t care until we’re in the same year as the thing that I’m supposed to care about.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

Elections: the only excuse for a grown man to kiss a stranger’s baby and not have the cops called.

Yes, it’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle.

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?

Everybody knows me by this scent called Pink Sugar.

Thats the worst thing, I dont really care if people say I’m a bad actor, I can like work on that, but if they just say that he’s ugly thats just like “oh.. really?

[on El Chapo interview] I have a terrible regret.

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

When I was 17, my producer Rodney Jerkins was working with Michael Jackson at the time. He knew how much I wanted to meet Michael Jackson, so he says, ‘Would you like to come and meet him?’ I’m like, ‘Are you serious? Of course I want to meet Michael Jackson! Where do I meet you? Where do we come?’

I realized what Led Zeppelin was about around the end of our first U.S. tour. We started off not even on the bill in Denver, and by the time we got to New York we were second to Iron Butterfly, and they didn’t want to go on!

Girls are a distraction and can easily cost points.

I don’t like a tremendous amount of conflict. I don’t think that fighting and passion are the same thing.

For our first date, I made Ryan Hamburger Helper, which is basically what I grew up on. I make my own version of it now, with macaroni and cheese and hamburger meat. And the kids – it’s their favorite dinner.

I come from a very small island which is packed with people. I mean, jam-packed with people. I’ve lived a life which has been pretty much full up with ambition, ideas, stimulus, creativity, some negativity which I try and avoid.

I like to write about women, not so much about the way they relate to men, but about the way they relate to each other.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a socialist.

[on quitting smoking] I quit smoking four months ago and since then I have been biting-chewing-fidgeting with anything that isn’t nailed down. I quit cold turkey. I was up to two packs a day, I’m coughing, my eyes are red, I don’t have energy, I’m not even enjoying it, so I just said, ‘That’s it.’ I think it might’ve been easier if I went with Nicorette or one of those supplements, but I just don’t get that. Let’s see, I’m addicted to something, so I know! Let’s pop some pills to get over it! Yeah, that makes sense. But now I find myself in conversations where people are looking at me and I’m salivating all over myself. This is how pathetic and sad it is: you start thinking, ‘Who am I without a cigarette in my hand?’

Make Statements also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, “I’m going to be your surgeon? I’m here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice.