John Oliver

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

While some are arguing that Trump might not have meant all those things, that leaves us with two devastating options: either we just elected a President who didn’t mean a single word he said, or we elected one who did.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

And if you’re thinking, But hold on John, what if I’m an asshole who couldn’t give a shit about America’s hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth? Well, first, let me say, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for taking the time to watch this show tonight. It’s lovely to have you with us.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

I feel like I’m always having to justify why I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from the old days in Stoke-on-Trent, but I’m like that with anybody. I don’t let anybody in. I just rely on myself.

They said, ‘Well, it can be done, but we’ll have to do it a different way (rather than purchasing the series).’ So here we are.

[about political pundits suggesting Trump be given a chance to be president] Now, in the broadest sense, I get that impulse: hope for the best in the face of very long odds. It’s like we’re on a plane and we just found out our pilot is a wombat.

We’re ride or die. But I don’t accept the way we criticize and judge each other anymore. My personal growth doesn’t allow it.

Cotton Owens was leading and daddy was second. They came up on me and I moved over to let them pass. Cotton went on, but daddy bumped me in the rear and my car went right into the wall.

I think I could sing and shear a few sheep at the same time.

There is no doubt about precisely when folks began racing each other in automobiles. It was the day they built the second automobile.

I look like an angel, but I can play the bitch.

Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.

Anything that we think is incredible and beautiful and wonderful, we ascribe to something that we don’t know what it is.

The most romantic thing, a lovely boy bought me a dress once. He got my measurements, actually they were from “The Notebook” and I had them sitting somewhere, and he found them and bought me this dress, tailor-made, this beautiful little black cocktail dress. And I thought that was very, very classy.

The blues was bleeding the same blood as me.

The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn’t the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.

[On asserting herself] They want people they can push around. I was the girl who was always asking, “Why? Yeah, I know you want me to do that – but why?” I always thought people wanted to hear my opinions. (Grins) But I gave them anyway. It’s just blind self-confidence. I get like a little terrier about things. My mother says I should have been an attorney.

We drove for the sheer fun of driving because there wasn’t that much money to be made.