John Oliver

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.

So, uh, get ready for a barely changed version of Obamacare called Trumpcare, which sounds like a health care plan where doctors feel your breasts for lumps whether you ask them to or not.

[reacting to George Zimmerman’s acquittal] I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

The crime rates among immigrants once [in the United States] are in relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand given that he has ten of them attached to his miniscule wrists.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

The mind is an erogenous zone.

One Christmas, when Freddie and I were flatmates in Kensington, we were trying to cook Christmas dinner but all we had was a packet of bread sauce that you make with water. We used to dream of a can of beans. (…) At Ridge Farm, when we weren’t working we would swim, play bad tennis, bad snooker and be beaten at table tennis by Freddie. I think he had been the champion at his boarding school and I never, ever saw him lose a game. That summer was more like a youth club rather than wild parties. In the evenings we would go down to the pub, come back to the barn and play more music.

There’s probably not a crew chief out there who hasn’t tried something that seemed like a good idea.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

I have learned a lot about myself and come to deal with a lot of things that, at first, bothered me.

I think mystery is kind of great. I don’t know anything about Bette Davis or Katharine Hepburn or Ava Gardner – not really – and I like that. I love watching their movies because they’re my personal movie stars. I don’t know what they eat and who their trainer is.

In those days I don’t think they were even demos.

What I’m doing is making sure that I have a balance, and that allows me, I think, to be a better actor and to more easily and quickly access all of the emotions on the scale. I make sure that I read a book on the weekend or read something or do my knitting or do the things that I need to do for myself, like ‘Game of Thrones.’ Get that balance.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. ‘Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

Like many, I don’t watch Saturday Night Live (even though I past hosted it) – no longer funny, no talent or charm. It is just a political ad for the Dems. Word is that Kanye West, who put on a MAGA hat after the show (despite being told “no”), was great. He’s leading the charge!

People find out I’m an actress and I see that ‘whore’ look flicker across their eyes.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, ’cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’

There is no diet for a big ego.

The trouble is now, with rock’n’roll and stuff, it gets so big that it loses what once upon a time was a magnificent thing, where it was special and quite elusive and occasionally a little sinister and it had its own world nobody could get in.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?