Tina Fey

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko’s – “You fax these, I’ll let you shave me.” Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says – that I am dumber than a French whore.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live tv.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a socialist.

Know what? Bitches get shit done.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real. You don’t just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at SNL is writing to go after someone.

I think my level of fame will drop back down. I think it’ll recede. In fact, I know it will. That’s life on Planet Earth. And I’m okay with that. Besides getting tables at restaurants and special treatment at the airport, what else is there?

When it comes down to the music, it’s just you and the microphone. It’s not you and the record execs.

I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky! Vanessa: (on her mom) She gave up so much for me. She moved many times so I could follow my career. Vanessa: I’ve always had problems with guys!

I think I’m brave about some things and a huge coward in other ways. My fake bravery is talking in front of a bunch of people who might hate it.

It’s my nature to downplay.

There’s no comparison between the most precious parts of one’s personal life and success and wealth. If you lost someone near and dear to you, you can’t relate it to any amount of fame, fortune and luxury. You just have to go on living.

Do you know how many women get systematically blackballed out of their positions in an office building and can’t fight back?

If you were to really look at it, the boys are still getting more money for a lot of garbage, while the ladies are hustling and doing amazing work for less.

The ladies of comedy now are comfortable dressing up. It’s not forbidden anymore.

I used to sleep nude – until the earthquake.

[On Laura Nyro] Anything she wanted, I wanted to get for her.

You gotta wear the right trousers if you’re gonna be a rock star.

Finding another way to do what I know I can do pretty well. A way that stimulates me. I’m always on some sort of learning curve. If I can continually be surprised then I’m alert.

I decided I am not going to say things I do not mean anymore.

Remember-the only place men want depth in their women is in her décolletage.

[on High School Musical] It’s hard to find people you are very close to and can relate to, but with this movie we really did bond. I felt very blessed for that.