Tina Fey

I’ll be ready for it to happen and that way it won’t happen. It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies…I’m not really a lawyer.

Do your thing and don’t care if they don’t like it.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real. You don’t just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at SNL is writing to go after someone.

You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.

[on the movie business] The battles that we face in this business aren’t financial, but they are moral. And I certainly think that the longer you can keep your values, and your morality intact, and keep your head on your shoulders about what is important at the end of the day, you can get the most out of this business and really emerge with something wonderful.

Yes, we are celebrities, but yes, we’re also innovators, we’re also inventors, we’re also thoughtful.

Doing one movie every two years is about all I can handle ’cause, being the creator at ’30 Rock’, my year there starts in the middle of June and goes back around until March.

[on El Chapo interview] I have a terrible regret.

The fans are just as crazy. because we have the young fans and the old fans now, so it’s more like double-trouble for us.

Oh God, don’t make me come across as a moaner. I think it’s unacceptable to moan about anything when you’re lucky enough to do what I do. What I’m trying to say is I’m more settled now. The thirties have calmed me down. I know who my real friends are, I know what I want to do. In your twenties, you just do everything. It’s just overload all the time. In the thirties, you learn that it’s OK to go to bed early if you want.

I do think things were meant to happen. I’m just this little girl from Tennessee, and here I am today. I think a lot of things are just out of your hands.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

They put all this money into these huge movies, and then no one goes to see them… That sort of shows that they’re out of touch. Then, everyone in town passes on my little movie, and it does really well.

I think I’ve always been fine on stage – though I get nervous beforehand. But once I’m on stage, all of that goes out of the window.

I know being on a major label is meant to be antiquated, but we’re fine with it.

I have so much to talk about. I have so much to share. There are so many different emotions going on inside of me right now.

If you don’t know what it is, don’t mess with it

I have my moments – usually twice every album – when I basically lose it.

You don’t just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at ‘SNL’ is writing to go after someone.