Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone