Mark Twain

If He Tom Sawyer had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehended that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do and Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn’t something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly – a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I’ve done it a thousand times.

The way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.

Family not only need to consist of merely those whom we share blood, but also for those whom we’d give blood.

They say that no matter how old you become, when you are with your siblings, you revert back to childhood.

You have to get that mom face right, like, ‘Oh, did that happen? Tell me more.’ Trying not to react so you get the good information. I tried to tell Sasha and Malia, ‘Do not go to other 14-year-olds for information, ’cause all you all are dumb. Talk to me.’ It’s like, ‘All of you are dumb. You know nothing. Love you!’ So, let’s just talk about it. Don’t ask Olivia what she thinks about sex. She doesn’t know!

The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend.

My mother’s a psychologist, my stepfather’s a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad’s a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know someone on some form of prescription medicine.

Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life.

My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

Nobody loves me but my mother – And she could be jivin’, too.

I always sort of felt like the eight years that Barack was president, it was sort of like having the good parent at home. You know, the responsible parent, the one who told you to eat your carrots and go to bed on time.

You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.

When your children arrive, your heart becomes a room with wide open windows.

I am lucky because my family are comfortably off. My father has his own glass business.

I am convinced that the norm in Russia should become a family with three children.

She does have a very nice figure… If [Ivanka] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.