Mark Twain

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.

Evolution is the law of policies: Darwin said it, Socrates endorsed it, Cuvier proved it and established it for all time in his paper on The Survival of the Fittest. These are illustrious names, this is a mighty doctrine: nothing can ever remove it from its firm base, nothing dissolve it, but evolution.

It takes an enemy and a friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart. The one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.

That’s what an army is – a mob; they don’t fight with courage that’s born in them, but with courage that’s borrowed from their mass, and from their officers.

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious – except he purposely shut the eyes of his mind and keep them shut by force.

We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.

I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter’s evening, and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some sugar and a drench of cream… I know how the nuts taken in conjunction with winter apples, cider, and doughnuts, make old people’s tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

If only I had known then the speed with which she could die, maybe I wouldn’t have become the hemlock.

I think everyone has their own set of problems, and sometimes I feel I’m in the middle of the biggest challenge of my life just trying to maintain normalcy in a kind of crazy lifestyle.

The best leaders are those most interested in surrounding themselves with assistants and associates smarter than they are. They are frank in admitting this and are willing to pay for such talents.

Trouble with the world today is people don’t go to children enough. I don’t like old people. I stay away from them.

I do not like to be unkind.

I’ve sworn never to read any reviews ever again except those that are pointed out to me as nice ones. I would say that most of us who are considered in the artist realm just take it so terribly, and, you know, it can kill ya!

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

We now know that anything which is economically right is also morally right. There can be no conflict between good economics and good morals.

You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Everything is relative in this world, where change alone endures.

All life is experience, and one level is exchanged for another only when its lesson is learned.

Everything intelligent is so boring.