Lisa Lampanelli

Bias has to be taught. If you hear your parents downgrading women or people of different backgrounds, why, you are going to do that.

Dear Ladies: You should never need to prove to other women that he’s in love with you. That’s his job.

It’s very easy for me to thank everyone for the incredible contribution they’ve made to my life.

The only other person who has a clue about what this is, the good, the bad, is your partner.

The best present a man can give a woman is his undivided attention.

Your experience will be a lesson to all of us men to be careful not to marry ladies in very high positions.

I would never buy Ivana any decent jewels or pictures. Why give her negotiable assets?

“They stood there pretending to be just friends when all the while everyone in the room could plainly see that they were only existing for each other.

Do not just look at your boyfriend as just a boyfriend. Look at him as a friend, too.

It’s fun to have a partner who understands your life and lets you be you.

Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt.

I wasn’t looking to be gay. I was quite upset when I discovered that was part of my life. I wished it would go away. But you can’t change who you are. And I tried to fight it in the beginning. And then I had a cancer scare in the mid-70’s. And that turned out to be a mistake, and I thought, ‘Life is too short.’

Take it from a guy: If you’re in love with somebody, you will swim the stream, you will climb the mountain, you will slay the dragon. You’re going to get to her somehow, some way.

Friendship, ‘the wine of life,’ said Boswell, should, like a well-stocked cellar, be thus continually renewed. And Dr. Johnson added to this A man, Sir, should keep his friendships in constant repair.

All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion.