John Oliver

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can’t even commit to being uncommitted.

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

I can be sent a pop song, a reggae song, a rap song or an RandB song, and people know that Nicki Minaj is gonna deliver something special every time

Lately, I’m spending more and more time working with non-rock musicians and leaving the mainstream – almost dissolving into another world, musically.

When people come out of rehab, they usually go to secondary rehab for another six months and then enter back into society gradually. But I came out and did Top Of The Pops straight away!

It’s important to raise your voice in things you feel passionate about and things that you know about. Don’t raise your voice just to raise your voice if you have nothing behind it and don’t know what you’re talking about.

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

I’ll take opinions from anyone from Jay-Z to a janitor, and I might value the janitor’s opinion more.

I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky! Vanessa: (on her mom) She gave up so much for me. She moved many times so I could follow my career. Vanessa: I’ve always had problems with guys!

I never get to go to movies, because I’m a mom.

My mother always taught me, even my dad, just never let other people’s opinions of you shape your opinion of yourself. And I never have and I never will.

I get on really well with Katie (Leung), she’s a really cool girl.

Maybe my fairytale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that’s OK.

People today are still living off the table scraps of the sixties. They are still being passed around – the music and the ideas.

I’m my worst critic and I always want to give people something better than I gave them before.

It may become Bob as time goes on. My dad was a Bob and his father was a Bob. That seems to be the sort of cheery thing that you do to octogenarians, but not yet, no.

I wanted to be a secretary, I love paper clips and staplers