Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.
More quotes by John Oliver
Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.
Trump is like a magic eight-ball; every time you shake him he gives you a different answer, and sometimes the answer is just ‘big-league’ or ‘that’s some body on my daughter, right?’
Prison sentences are a lot like penises – if they’re used correctly, even a short one can do the trick… is a rumor I have heard.
Calling Jeremy Corbyn the British Bernie Sanders’ would be very reductive, very simplistic and probably the best way to explain him to Americans, while being wildly inaccurate. As for Corbyn and Sanders, I think we’ll have to wait and see whether being principled actually gets you anywhere. I don’t think you can doubt the tenacity of their beliefs. But can you translate that into power?
[on Trump] Many people are happy to see him in office. Some are voters who think he’ll bring jobs back and shake up Washington; others are happy simply because he isn’t Hillary Clinton, and others of course are Vladimir Putin and Scott Baio. But, for the rest of us, we are faced with the same questions as a guy that woke up the day after a Vegas bachelor party, deep in the desert, naked, tied to a cactus and a dead clown, namely: How the f**k did we get here? and What the f**k do we do now?
More quotes about Entertainment
The guys that don’t respect that history and tradition, I don’t think they’re going to be around all that long. And those guys who don’t know the history and tradition, I think it’s upon them to learn about it pretty quick if they want to be a success.
I came into this industry and demanded more. I wanted more for female rappers. I wanted more for black women. I wanted to make more than what men were making. And I did it. I did it
I actually love the audition process, so I’m so happy to fight for things. I would love to read something that I want to fight for, but lately the scripts are not that compelling.
In the morning, I can not be without looking at my phone to see the IM’s or any missed calls that I missed and Food!
It’s OK to quote from your past. But I’m more interested in quoting from my present and pointing towards the future.
Yeezus was extremely purposeful. And what came from Yeezus: Paparazzi are nicer to me. The entire fashion industry is nicer to me.
A lot of actresses start out modeling because it’s a great way to sort of get your foot in the door. That’s all it is, though. They open the door, and you have to walk through it.
As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.
Because every person, no matter who you are-how tall you are, how short you are-some things work on you and some things don’t. I don’t like to wear things that feel like costumes. Whenever I work with a stylist, I always find myself saying the same thing: I want my dress to say, I’m just here from New York.’ That’s why I always end up in black or brown. If I try to wear too much color, I feel like I’m pretending to be from Los Angeles and I’m not getting away with it.
There are some people in here who are not journalists. There’s a masseuse in here who’s not a journalist – I think that’s ever so exciting.
[on accepting his CBE] I owe everything to the musicians I work with. From the UK to Africa to Tennessee, it is their brilliance that I bounce off. Alone I’m nothing.