Joan Rivers

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of them.

The faster I make a lot of money, the faster I can have these kids I want.

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.

I have no interest in becoming a tax exile and living somewhere I don’t want to – I just want to be at home with my family.

Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.

A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels.

They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.

I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams.

Money is like muck, not good except it be spread.

We’re not motivated to make more money. We all have too much already. We want to do good work.

When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in the world. Now that I’m old . . . I know it is.

Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.

Steve Jobs didn’t give a shit about money, and I do give a shit about money. I wanted to have a lot of money. I thought it would change my life, which it did, but not in the ways I expected.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.