Amy Poehler

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate.

Great people do things before they’re ready.

I did not breeze in there thinking: ‘I’m going to nail this.’ My heart rate was not low when I was doing the Golden Globes. I wanted to do well. It’s very bizarre to be in a room where everybody in your audience is famous. But also: it’s an awards show!

Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers … for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

[a metaphor for the end of her marriage] The process of divorce is about loading a blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.