We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
Your wit makes others witty.
I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.
[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!
I have won several prizes as the worlds slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
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